The Millisoft Car (Microsoft Apple Linux Humor)

The Millisoft Car (Microsoft Apple Linux Humor)

Larry Neal Gowdy

Copyright ©2012-2021 - June 22, 2021

The following humor(?) article is not intended to appear to be poking fun at Microsoft's® Windows® 8, nor at Apple®, Linux®, nor any other person, corporation, or registered name. If the following humor were poking fun at Microsoft, Apple, and Linux, then the article would be doing so by greatly exaggerating tiny insignificant flaws within Microsoft, Apple, and Linux, but since the humor article is not intended to be interpreted as poking fun at Microsoft, Apple, and Linux, then Microsoft, Apple, and Linux are not the objects being poked fun of. Microsoft, Apple, and Linux are top quality names that have no flaws of any form, who have always created the most ideally perfect products, and so since Microsoft, Apple, and Linux have never made an error, then therefore there was never so much as a tiny flaw to exaggerate into a form of humor, and therefore the following article cannot possibly be about Microsoft, Apple, and Linux.

The following article is also not poking fun at Microsoft's decision to remove menu commands due to the top ten most frequently used commands being used 81.8% of the time. The article is not poking fun at Windows 8's Metro theme being incapable of being arranged in alphabetical order. The article is not poking fun at Linux's tendency to not have any menu arranged in alphabetical order. The article is not poking fun at the "I'm an Apple / I'm a PC" commercials. The article is not poking fun at Linux's almost solitary claim of value being that it is a free download. The article is not poking fun at Windows 8's lack of a start menu nor Windows 8's requirement to move the mouse pointer to the far corners of the monitor to access menus. Any similarity between this article and Microsoft, Apple, or Linux is purely coincidental. Surely.


If Software Companies Built Cars


Customer: The new Millisoft 8 luxury sedan looks very sleek. But two steering wheels? Why?

Millisoft: Isn't it obvious? The steering wheel on the left turns the car to the left, and the steering wheel on the right turns the car to the right.

Customer: Okay... so then the driver would have to scoot across from the left seat to the right seat to use the right steering wheel, or else reach all the way from one corner of the car to the extreme far other corner to drive?

Millisoft: Yes.

Customer: Why then is there not a right seat? And while on the subject, why is there also not a back seat?

Millisoft: We found that 88.6% of all trips in automobiles are with only the driver and without passengers, so we removed the unused seats.

Customer: But what about when there is a need for passengers?

Millisoft: The seats can easily be removed from the trunk and bolted into place within half an hour.

Linx: Psst! Hey mister, wanna a free car?

Customer: Aha, okay Millisoft. And I see that there is no parking brake to the right of the driver's seat. Was the parking brake removed so as to allow the driver to more easily scoot to the right to use the right steering wheel?

Millisoft: No, ease of use was not taken into consideration.

Customer: Where then is the parking brake?

Millisoft: We found that 94.1% of drivers never use a parking brake, so we removed it and placed it out of the way.

Customer: Oh? And so then where did you put the parking brake?

Millisoft: That's for us to know and for you to find out. Once the driver enters his or her password into the on-dash keypad a touch-screen display will pop out and ensure that the driver wants to use the parking brake. Once the driver has answered affirmatively "Are you sure that you want to use the parking brake?" the display will then tell the driver where the parking brake is located.

Customer: Aha, we sure don't want anyone to accidentally apply the parking brake now do we?

Millisoft: That is exactly correct.

Customer: I am looking at the transmission selector, and I am not seeing a reverse.

Millisoft: We found that over 99.65% of all driving is performed in the forward gears, so we removed the reverse selector and placed it into the glove box.

Customer: Okay, and I am not seeing a glove box why?

Millisoft: The glove box automatically opens by itself after the driver has entered in his or her password and confirmed through the pop-out display that the driver wants to use the reverse gear.

Customer: Aha, yes, we for sure don't want someone to accidentally shift into reverse while traveling forward.

Millisoft: That is correct; it could cause an injury. We found that in 1951 when parking brakes were mounted on the floorboard that seven drivers had accidentally pressed on the parking brake while driving, which caused an unsecure driving experience. We have removed the console parking brake so as to ensure that no injury will occur, and likewise we removed the reverse selector to also ensure against unwanted actions by the driver.

Linx: Psst! Hey mister, wanna a free car?

Customer: It seems to me that the Millisoft 8 luxury sedan requires a lot of effort to be driven.

Millisoft: Effort? No no no, you have it all wrong, cars are not made to make life easier for humans, but rather humans must adapt to meet the demands of the cars. Come on, hop in and you will see how great the Millisoft 8 sedan is to look at.

Customer: Okay, I am sitting here in the driver's seat, but I don't see a key or start button.

Millisoft: What do you mean?

Customer: I mean I don't see a key nor a start button to start the engine.

Millisoft: Oh.

Customer: And aren't you going to tell me how to start the engine?

Millisoft: You need to change your way of thinking! The car isn't here for you, but rather you are here for the car! If you can't figure it out then it's your fault, not the car's.

Customer: But why would anyone buy a car without an ignition key or start button?

Millisoft: This is the future of automobiles; either get hip or get out of the way.

Customer: Aha! I found the ignition switch; sort of odd isn't it to place the ignition switch behind two dash panels and be located at the far corner out of sight?

Millisoft: We designed the ignition switch to be there; it makes perfect sense to us, we know where it's at, so why didn't you know where it was?

Customer: I had never been in the Millisoft 8 sedan before, nor have I spoken with anyone from the factory, so I did not know.

Millisoft: Not an excuse.

Linx: Psst! Hey mister, wanna a free car?

Customer: The Millisoft 8 engine does purr nicely, but now I am curious of how to shut down the engine. Where is the kill switch?

Millisoft: We eliminated the kill switch, it was unnecessary, a thing of the past, too old fashioned.

Customer: And so then the engine must run until you run out of gas?

Millisoft: No, just press the off button to stop the engine.

Customer: But you just said that the kill button was no longer used.

Millisoft: That is correct.

Customer: How then do I turn off the engine?

Millisoft: You sure whine and complain a lot! We made the sedan, the sedan is perfect, and if you cannot figure out how to use the sedan's controls then it is your fault.

Customer: I am still looking for the off switch, and I noticed that there are also no switches for the headlights!

Millisoft: We found that 76.78% of all driving is performed during daylight hours, so we removed the headlight switch and placed it in the right-rear fender-well.

Customer: No wiper switch either?

Millisoft: We found that over 99.03% of all driving is done while there is no rain, so we removed the wiper switch and placed it behind the battery in the engine compartment.

Customer: And where are the wiper blades? I see the spline shafts where wiper blades connect, but no wipers.

Millisoft: We found that people are 610,000,088% less likely to cut a finger on wiper blades if there are no wiper blades, so we removed them.

Customer: What about when it rains?

Millisoft: The driver only needs to open the hood where he or she can find the wipers located within a password-protected safe. Installing the wipers has been designed to be a fast an easy task, and a moisture sensor automatically places the wipers back into the safe when the rain stops.

Customer: I think I've seen enough, this is crazy!

Millisoft: You're old, not with the times. The Millisoft 8 sedan is the best in its class, the wave of the future. If you're not smart enough to drive the Millisoft 8 sedan then you don't need to be driving any car.

Customer: It isn't a matter of intelligence, it's a matter of the car being excessively too inconvenient. For over one-hundred years cars had ignition keys, seats, parking brakes, one steering wheel, everything laid out to be as convenient as possible for the driver and passengers, and now you are saying that we should view the Millisoft 8 as being innovative?

Linx: Psst! Hey mister, wanna a free car?

Millisoft: Change! Change is good!

Customer: But it isn't a change for the betterment of the driver!

Millisoft: The driver is unimportant, the only important thing is that our new time saving devices and security measures function as designed.

Customer: The Millisoft XPP sports car was the finest automobile ever made: a lot has changed since you designed the Millisoft XPP.

Millisoft: Yes, we are moving forward, no more emphasis on driver-friendliness, nor any emphasis on driver usefulness; we are focusing on what is important, competition! And of course more money! Yes yes, definitely more money!

Customer: And who are you competing against?

Linx: Psst! Hey mister, wanna a free car?

Millisoft: The Fruit Leotard. We found that 10.22% of people use the Fruit Leotard, so we are designing our cars to look and work like Fruit's.

Fruit: Someone say my name? I am a fruit.

Customer: But there is a reason why Fruit only gets around 10% of sales, because most people do not want a Fruit car, most people still prefer the XPP.

Millisoft: Doesn't matter, Fruit is our competition, so we will copy Fruit and make our cars Fruity too.

Customer: What about Fruit's quality of products? Fruit has nice paint and body work, why don't you copy that?

Millisoft: We aren't in business to sell body work, we just sell what makes money.

Customer: Okay, what then about Linx's YouBum2 and YouDumbToo? They are a competitor too.

Linx: Psst! Hey mister, wanna a free car?

Customer: Not now Linx, not now!

Millisoft: Linx YouBum2 and YouDumbToo are too technical, for intellectuals only, you know, junior high kids and stuff. We don't care about intelligence, we just want to make more money.

Customer: About half of the people in the world who drive cars still drive the ten year old XPP. Doesn't that tell you that people continue to think highly of your previous models?

Millisoft: Doesn't matter; change is all that matters. Look, we have this gimmick see, if you buy the Millisoft 8 sedan we will let you pay us more money to become a partner, and if you will invest more of your time and money to build new add-on seats and parking brakes we will sell your products to people who buy the Millisoft 8 sedan, and you could make zillions of dollars! But first you must buy a Millisoft 8 sedan yourself, else you will not be allowed to get rich quick selling add-ons.

Customer: In the past you made the very best cars in the world, but now you're giving all of that away for a few quick bucks?

Millisoft: Billions and billions of quick bucks! Who cares about quality anymore? No one! No one wants quality, the only thing that sells now is the promise to get rich quick, and to heck with everything else. When was the last time you saw anything on television or on the Internet that wasn't a commercial to sell something?

Customer: You got me there.

Millisoft: People don't want quality, people don't even care if something works or not, all people want is to buy buy buy and own lots and lots of stuff at the lowest cost.

Customer: I think I might continue driving my XPP, or maybe get a Linx if I want a new model car. One last thing: about twenty years ago Millisoft and Fruit ran a lot of advertisements that their cars were more "intuitive" than the others'. Intuitiveness was the key selling point back then, so why isn't it still important today?

Millisoft: Nah, we were much younger back then, we were idealists who still thought that we should produce a useful product, you know, be creative and useful humans, all that nutty youth stuff, but now we know better.

Fruit: I'm a fruit. Duh huh, duh huh, I got pretty pictures.

Customer: Before I go I just have to ask about the alpha-numeric keypad on the Millisoft 8 door. It looks like a normal security key pad, but all of the numbers and letters are scrambled, not in alpha-numeric order. Why is that?

Millisoft: We're copying Linx! We found that 16.09% of our customers are functionally illiterate, so what difference does it make whether the keys are in alphabetical order? That's what icons are for! Always has been, you know, international symbols and all that stuff so that illiterate people can see little cartoon figures and know what they mean. Fruit did it first, so now we have to also! We designed many Millisoft 8 features to be anti-rational. We made the key pad's rows and columns too short to enable anyone to rearrange them in alphabetical order, and even if someone were to try, we also programmed the keys to rearrange themselves back out of order. The Millisoft 8 is to be looked at, not driven, you know, watch a video on the dash, listen to the radio and stuff, no need to like actually start the engine or anything. Logic is out! Sales is in!

Customer: Thank you for the help, I do believe that I've seen enough.

Linx: Psst! Hey mister, wanna a free car?

Millisoft: But you have not yet bought a new Millisoft 8 sedan! You can't get rich quick if you don't buy one and then make us new add-ons to sell!

Customer: You know that almost no one profits from add-ons.

Millisoft: Shhh! Yes it's true that over 99% of people who make add-ons never get a dime for all of their hard work, but Millisoft makes more money because so many people buy into the dream of getting rich quick, and all the add-ons help to sell more Millisoft 8 sedans, just like what Fruit does. Now don't you go and start ruining dreams!

Fruit: Yeah, heh heh. I like mirrors.

Customer: My dream is for Millisoft to make a new XPP, just a good running XPP that is logical, dependable, and gets me around town.

Millisoft: Not going to happen bub! No profit in anything that people want to keep more than a couple of years. Look at the Shinease model, selling huge quantities of cheap junk that people have to buy over and over; the people spend more buying the cheap stuff than if the people had bought a single quality item that lasts a lifetime. The Shinease people are smart.

Customer: Whatever, I'm out of here.

Millisoft: Not so fast bub, we're ending support for the XPP; you won't be able to get replacement parts after next year, so you're going to have to buy a new Millisoft 8 today!

Customer: ....

Fruit: Has the customer left?

Millisoft: Yeah.

Fruit: It's a good thing that not too many people are like him, else we would no longer have as many sales.

Millisoft: They complain about us producing junk, but it's the public that dictates what is sold and not sold. People get exactly what they ask for. You and I would be out of business in a heartbeat if the public were to suddenly choose to drive rather than just look at a car.

Linx: Psst! Hey misters, wanna a free car?